SAEDNEWS: Why Do Couples Keep Arguing About Housework? A Look at Traditional Culture and an Easy Solution
According to the psychology section of SaedNews, the issue of a husband not participating in household chores may seem like a simple, everyday problem on the surface. However, in many relationships, the core issue is not just washing dishes, cleaning the house, or taking care of children. Behind it are often feelings of being unseen, exhaustion, injustice, and being left alone with life’s responsibilities. In the following, a psychology expert introduces an easy technique to help couples stop getting angry and engaging in unproductive arguments.
Mostouli explains: One of the techniques that can help when dealing with an irresponsible spouse is called the “lazy deadlock” technique. This does not mean that the wife should enter into a fight, stubborn behavior, or humiliation of her husband. Rather, it means that when she respectfully requests a specific, reasonable, and doable responsibility from her husband, she should not immediately do the task herself in his place.
Many times, a woman asks her husband to do something, but when he delays, she quickly ends up doing it herself. In the short term, this may prevent the task from being left undone, but in the long term it sends the message that if he delays long enough, his wife will eventually take over the responsibility.
Mostouli gives an example from one of his clients:
“My husband never helps me and takes on no responsibility.” When asked for an example, she said:
“For instance, when we have guests, I ask him to vacuum. He says okay, but he delays so much that it drives me crazy.” When asked about her reaction, she said:
“Nothing—I just get up and do it myself and tell him, ‘I only asked you for one thing.’ Sometimes I even pick up the trash he left behind and show it to him. Other times I get angry and say, ‘Even a two-year-old cleans better than you!’”
Mostouli uses this example to show a vicious cycle that not only prevents the husband from helping in the future but also leaves the wife more frustrated.
Mostouli continues: This is a common mistake many women make. However, in the “lazy deadlock” technique, the woman makes a clear request and then allows her husband to face the consequences of his delay—without complaining, without sarcasm, without fighting, and without immediately taking over the task.
For example, if it was agreed that the husband would buy bread, the wife can respectfully say:
“We agreed that you would buy the bread. I planned dinner based on that.”
Not repeatedly and angrily saying:
“You never do anything, everything always falls on me.”
In the first approach, the woman clarifies responsibility and avoids letting the entire burden fall back on her. But in the second approach, the likelihood of defensiveness, stubbornness, and resentment increases. Of course, this technique is suitable when the issue is limited to procrastination, laziness, or a habit of letting others take over.
Are you also caught in the cycle of your spouse postponing household tasks? How applicable do you think the “lazy deadlock” technique is in your life? Share your opinions and experiences in the comments section.
