SAEDNEWS: Dependence is a natural phenomenon and is not considered a psychological disorder. However, some individuals experience dependence to an excessive degree, which is more commonly seen in children who become overly attached to their parents.
If you were a mother kangaroo, how long would you keep your child in the pouch on your belly? Baby kangaroos are born premature and live in their mother's pouch for a few months to continue their development and growth, relying on their mother. Sometimes, human mothers also want to keep their children as close as possible, not just for a few months but for a lifetime, similar to a kangaroo's pouch.
If you are one of these "kangaroo mothers," you probably often complain about your child's excessive dependence. But this is only part of the story. A large part of this dependent relationship is shaped by the mother's behavior. A child can even sense your inner feelings (such as anxiety, anger, sadness, happiness) during separation and shape their relationship based on these details.
Don't confuse a child's deep bond with you, which is based on security, freedom, and unconditional love, with dependence. This bond, called attachment, actually helps their psychological growth. However, dependence means your child cannot live without you, feels insecure, and is constantly worried about losing you. The type of bond (attachment or dependence) formed in childhood extends into adult relationships. If you feel that your child needs to explore the world while maintaining a close bond with you, follow this article. We will explore the causes of mother-child dependence and ways to reduce it.
Incorrectly Guided Attachment: A child seeks a sense of security through close relationships with others, leading to dependence. However, if attachment is properly guided, it won't result in dependence. Without experiencing secure attachment in early years, a child cannot form healthy emotional relationships in adulthood.
Unmet Emotional Needs: When a child's emotional needs are unmet and they don't feel secure, they experience helplessness and become dependent. Dependent personalities often experience rejection between ages one and three.
Excessive Parental Affection: Parental behavior greatly influences the child. For example, if a mother is dependent, her child will likely become dependent too. Such parents, in their excessive affection, make their child dependent to retain their support and avoid separation.
Family Problems: Marital issues often create fear and insecurity in children, leading to strong dependence in adulthood. Persistent issues can result in dependent personality disorder. Individuals with this disorder rely on others for daily activities, expect others to handle major responsibilities, and depend on others to meet their needs.
Incorrect Parenting: A child not raised in a secure environment and feeling lonely is prone to dependence. Also, a child whose parents do everything for them, who fears independence and responsibility, and lacks self-confidence becomes dependent.
In forming a dependent relationship, the mother plays a significant role. Dependence, like a cycle, repeats itself. Understanding the factors that sustain this cycle helps break it. This cycle begins in early childhood due to the incomplete process of managing the child's emotions. This means younger children, instead of adapting to new situations and managing their emotions, seek comfort in their mother's embrace. For example, when a child feels angry after a fight with playmates, they cry and hug their mother. But imagine if a 15-year-old did the same! It would seem unusual, right? Normally, as the child grows and develops various skills, the mother's embrace is replaced by emotional control skills.
If you constantly reinforce this dependency cycle, you deprive the child of important opportunities to progress from emotional dependence to self-sufficiency. So, the first step is to identify behaviors that reinforce this dependency cycle and then break the cycle! For example, if every time your child fights with peers you defend their rights and solve their problems, you reinforce their dependency. This might lead to your child, at 25 years old, being unable to resolve issues at work independently and asking you to help them claim their rights from their employer.
One effective way to reduce your child's dependence on you is to strengthen their independence by highlighting their skills and empowering them to do tasks on their own. Ask your child what tasks they feel old enough and skilled enough to do alone. With their help, create a list of tasks they can gradually start doing independently. The list can include skills they are still learning to motivate them to be more independent. For example, the list could include brushing teeth, going to the neighbor's house to call a friend, making crafts, or setting the table. Teach them various activities to make them more capable and supportive. Explain that riding a bike without training wheels may seem scary and difficult at first, but gradually they will feel more stable and balanced. Ask them to choose a place where they want to start "riding a bike independently" and gradually create opportunities for them to experience such activities that promote self-sufficiency. All these tasks significantly boost their confidence and self-efficacy, helping them break free from dependency.
What happens if a constant mental tape plays messages like "I can't do it alone!" or "If my mom's not here, I don't know what to do"? This persistent helplessness might make the child feel paralyzed without their mother and unable to manage any situation independently. To take steps toward reducing dependency, teach your child the connection between thoughts and actions. Review their self-talk before doing any task. Explain that their thoughts send commands about their feelings and reactions to events. Suggest motivational messages they can repeat to themselves, like "I can do some things on my own" or "If mom's not here, I can do some tasks alone and some with distant guidance from another adult." These exercises raise awareness to reduce the child's dependency on the mother.
Each family member plays an essential role in successfully managing the household. If your goal is to raise independent children, know that they need basic skills to function as capable adults. Imagine maternal dependence and child independence as two sides of a scale. You can lighten the dependence side by teaching them various skills at home. Learning how to clean the house, helping prepare healthy meals, folding clothes, and tidying up toys are examples of tasks that save teaching time. When children are expected to help appropriately for their age, they realize they are essential to the family team. What motivates them more is calling the tasks "family contributions" instead of "chores," as the latter term often implies something tedious, mandatory, and undesirable. This term conveys that their contributions have a greater purpose. By learning new skills, the child understands that to do things independently, they need to learn, practice, and seek guidance from others, not remain dependent on their mother for everything.
Accept that your child lacks the necessary skills to perform tasks as well as you, so they can't do things as perfectly as you can. Being a perfectionist and overly critical about their mistakes, or doing everything for them, will make them perpetually dependent and never take on responsibilities. For example, if they spill milk on the kitchen table while pouring it into a glass, instead of taking the bottle from them and scolding them, teach them the correct angle to pour milk and how to clean the table. Assure your child that such accidents happen to everyone and that practice improves everything.
When parents bring a new baby home, they often share a room with the baby. As the child grows, it's time to transition them to a separate room. This helps reduce mother-child dependency. Psychologists believe the best time to separate the child's room is between 6 months and 1 year, but this should be done in consultation with a child psychologist and pediatrician. You can use different methods to achieve this. For example, if your child is used to nursing to sleep, move feeding to before the bedtime routine to help them learn to fall asleep independently. Dr. Mindell believes "this also helps the child learn to soothe themselves without relying on the mother when they wake up in the middle of the night." Another way is to familiarize the child with their new bedroom. Many children may have spent very little time in their new room. Helping them get accustomed to the new space aids the transition and reduces dependence on the mother. For your child to feel more comfortable in their new room, follow their pre-sleep routine there for a few nights, and afterward, you can stay in the shared room. To help the child adjust to the new conditions, ask them to play or nap in the room during the day as well.
For every task you do for your child, you might think it's just this once or that it's part of being a good mother. But let's be honest, if you continue doing this, you'll raise a dependent child who can't handle anything as an adult and shifts all life's responsibilities onto you. This excessive dependence not only harms the child but also affects the parents and their marital relationship, as they no longer have time for each other. Additionally, it may cause separation anxiety in children. While implementing these strategies to reduce child dependency, try to stay calm. You might see messy beds, milk spills on the kitchen table, scraped knees from bike rides, poorly folded clothes, and many other oddities, but hearing your child proudly say, "I did it all by myself!" makes it all worthwhile.
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