Although marriage comes with many challenges and conflicts, one of the most destructive challenges is a spouse's infidelity. According to psychologists, infidelity happens in a moment, but many underlying factors contribute to it over time.
According to the Family Magazine Service of Saed News, discovering a spouse’s infidelity is undoubtedly one of the hardest moments in life. There is no single correct way to deal with it. The best you can do is communicate with your spouse, listen to them, and decide whether your relationship is worth saving. If you choose to continue the relationship, you must take care of yourself. Please carefully follow the steps outlined here.
Things to Avoid
Don’t Blame Yourself
Your spouse’s reasons for cheating may not be clear to you, leading to confusion and self-blame. You might think you distanced yourself from them, weren’t affectionate enough in the bedroom, or didn’t spend enough time together. However, none of these are justifiable reasons for infidelity, and you should never blame yourself for your spouse’s mistakes.
While you may have contributed to problems in the relationship, that does not justify infidelity. If you excessively blame yourself, it can prevent your spouse from taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, focus on their betrayal.
Don’t Obsess Over the Other Person
If you want to drive yourself crazy, you can ask endless questions about the person your spouse cheated with or spend hours stalking their social media. You may think that knowing everything about this person will help you understand your relationship’s issues, but in reality, it won’t bring you peace.
Most of the time, a third party is not the true reason for infidelity—unless your spouse is genuinely in love with them. Focusing too much on this other person distracts you from addressing your relationship.
While knowing some details might bring temporary relief, avoid obsessing over them. It won’t help you move forward.
Don’t Justify Your Spouse’s Infidelity
You may try to rationalize their betrayal by blaming external factors, like job loss or pressure from the other person. But making excuses for them won’t help.
Accept that you’ve been hurt and need to find a way to heal. But don’t think that justifying their actions will help you forget the betrayal.
Instead of spending too much time searching for a logical reason behind the affair, focus on moving forward.
Don’t Publicize the Infidelity
In the heat of the moment, you might want to tell everyone—family, friends, or even social media—about what happened. However, if you later decide to reconcile, it will be difficult to face those people again.
Sharing your emotions with a few trusted individuals who can help is better than making a public announcement you might regret later.
If you haven’t already told close friends or family, consider waiting until you are sure about the future of your relationship.
Don’t Let Others’ Judgments Affect You
What others think doesn’t matter. While close friends or family may offer advice, the final decision is yours. Don’t let their opinions sway your judgment.
Talking to loved ones can help, but ultimately, their views should not dictate your choices.
Think Before Acting
Your first reaction might be to throw your spouse out of the house. However, take time to process everything before making drastic decisions.
You can take some space, but avoid immediately declaring a divorce. Give yourself time to make the best decision.
Even if you ultimately choose separation, it’s best to wait until you are sure.
Don’t Seek Revenge
You might feel tempted to punish your spouse, break their belongings, or even cheat in return. However, these actions won’t bring you peace or solve your problems.
Taking a break from your spouse is fine, but avoid worsening the situation. Otherwise, both of you will suffer more.
Punishing them will only create further complications and may even destroy the possibility of reconciliation.
First Steps to Recovery
Communicate Your Needs
Before discussing the affair, think about what you want. Instead of focusing solely on the betrayal, express what you need from your spouse moving forward.
Make it clear what they must do to rebuild trust—whether it’s attending therapy, spending more time together, or sleeping separately for now.
If you are considering divorce, seeking legal counsel early can give you a stronger position.
Give Yourself and Your Spouse Time
Even if you feel ready to forgive, rebuilding trust takes time. Rushing the process may lead to further issues.
You cannot simply forget and move on overnight. Healing can take months or even years.
Take things slowly. You may need time before feeling comfortable sharing a bed again.
Express Your Feelings
Tell your spouse how their betrayal hurt you. Don’t downplay your emotions. Let them see and hear your pain.
If you’re uncomfortable speaking face-to-face, write your thoughts down. This way, you won’t forget key points.
If you’re too emotional, wait until you feel ready to have a firm conversation. However, don’t delay it indefinitely.
Ask Your Spouse Questions
You may want to understand the details of their affair—how often it happened, when it started, and what they feel about the other person. While asking questions can help you process things, avoid digging into unnecessary details that might cause you more pain.
Only ask questions that will genuinely help you understand your relationship, not just satisfy curiosity.
Get Tested for STDs
Don’t be embarrassed—both you and your spouse should get tested immediately. You don’t know what risks were involved.
Even if your spouse downplays the necessity, insist on it. This step also helps them realize the severity of their actions.
Listen to Your Spouse
As painful as it may be, listening to your spouse’s perspective can help prevent future infidelity. Understanding their frustrations or unmet needs—without excusing their betrayal—may shed light on issues you were unaware of.
Improve Daily Communication
Work on being honest and open with each other. Regular conversations about your relationship’s progress are crucial.
Focus on the present and future rather than dwelling on the past.
Use "I" statements instead of "you" accusations. For example, say, "I feel hurt when you come home without greeting me," rather than, "You never care about me."
Decide Whether to Stay or Leave
You must make a crucial decision: Can you forgive your spouse and rebuild a healthy relationship, or is there no hope?
Be honest with yourself. Is this relationship worth saving?
If you choose to stay, commit to healing and rebuilding trust. If you decide to leave, begin preparing for the next steps.
Rebuilding After Infidelity
Consider Every Aspect Before Deciding
No one can tell you the "right" choice. If children are involved, the decision becomes even harder. Instead of looking for a single correct answer, listen to your heart.
Healing takes time. Trust your instincts and do what feels right for you.
Both Partners Must Work Toward Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a choice that requires commitment from both partners. You must actively work toward it together. The first step is accepting the pain and moving forward.
Be honest about your feelings—don’t keep your thoughts a secret.
Spend More Time Together
To rebuild your bond, engage in activities you both enjoy. Avoid places or situations that remind you of the betrayal.
You might try something new together, like cooking or hiking. Just ensure both of you find it enjoyable.
Take Care of Yourself
Dealing with a cheating spouse can consume you, but self-care is essential. Don’t neglect basic needs like eating well, sleeping enough, and exercising.
Aim for 7-8 hours of sleep. If sharing a bed feels uncomfortable, sleep separately.
Eat healthy meals to maintain energy and emotional balance. Avoid junk food.
Exercise at least 30 minutes a day—it benefits both mind and body.
Taking care of yourself ensures you have the strength to make the right decisions for your future.
