SAEDNEWS: There are different viewpoints and lesser-known angles regarding the secret checking of a spouse’s mobile phone. These perspectives go beyond the common discussions about privacy and trust, and explore the emotional, relational, and psychological dimensions of this behavior.
According to Saad News Family Magazine, it makes you feel bad — yet you cannot stop yourself. We spoke with a psychologist about the intense and frightening urge to check a spouse’s mobile phone, and whether it is right or wrong.
Most people who come to me for counseling tell me that their spouse’s infidelity happened through text messages, emails, or Facebook. I do not believe that these communication tools create more opportunities for cheating — they simply make it easier to catch people. Some individuals cannot control their urge to constantly check their partner’s phone.
I have had clients who regularly checked their spouses’ phones. Most of them were women, and in most cases they started doing this after they had once caught their husband cheating. Trust had been broken, and they felt deep anxiety about their relationship. Regardless of the reason, someone who constantly monitors their partner usually struggles with insecurity and low self-confidence.
When someone has been cheated on in the past and their current partner is completely innocent, the situation becomes deeply unfair. I have seen relationships in which a man was entirely faithful, yet his wife constantly checked his phone. Sometimes a woman’s inability to control her anxiety creates a gap between the couple, and the relationship begins to fall apart.
In some cases, I have even seen completely loyal men end up cheating simply because they were endlessly accused of it. They reach a point where they think, “If I am going to be blamed anyway, I might as well do it.” It is painful to see that fear of infidelity can sometimes turn that very fear into reality.
When trust is broken, trusting again is extremely difficult. Ultimately, it comes down to making a conscious decision to trust. You must ask yourself: what does transparency in a relationship really mean? Is checking each other’s phones a sign of transparency — or of insecurity? Anxious monitoring has no place in a truly transparent relationship.
As a therapist, my role is to help paranoid and anxious individuals learn how to trust again. One way I do this is by helping them understand that when you look at someone with suspicion, everything will seem suspicious. Even if you read your own emails suspiciously, you will eventually find something that looks questionable.
If you search for proof of wrongdoing, you will almost certainly find it — even if it is imagined. I encourage couples to try catching each other doing good things instead of bad ones. Catching each other doing something wrong rarely ends well, and no one likes to feel constantly monitored.
However, when someone checks their spouse because the spouse truly cheated before, I tend to support them. Rebuilding trust after betrayal is extremely hard. The person who cheated must understand that they created this anxiety and therefore cannot fairly complain about their partner’s need for reassurance.
But when someone constantly checks their partner without any history of betrayal, it usually reflects low self-esteem and fear of being replaced by someone “better.” I have seen many people push their partners away with this kind of jealousy.
Be careful: if you engage in this kind of intrusive monitoring, your lack of trust may eventually lead your partner to cheat. When couples come to me in such situations, I tell them their relationship is standing on shaky ground. I tell them they must stop — either stop the checking, or stop the relationship.
A relationship without trust has little value. As a Greek myth says, the god of love declared, “Love cannot exist where there is no trust.” I agree.
If you cannot trust your partner, you have four choices:
End the relationship and find someone you can trust.
Make a conscious decision to trust your partner again.
Stay silent and keep your distrust to yourself.
Seek professional help to resolve your trust issues.
Only one of these paths can lead to peace — and that path always begins with honesty, either with your partner or with yourself.
