SAEDNEWS: For those wishing to change their spouse's habits after marriage, it's crucial to have proper understanding. Without it, attempts can backfire, leading to deeper issues and increased incompatibility. This SaedNews article is a guide for navigating the delicate process of influencing a spouse's behavior effectively.
Sometimes, we are determined to change our spouse at any cost. In doing so, we may resort to force or power dynamics. This approach often starts with a frown and escalates to arguments, physical confrontations, or even threats of separation.
Young Couples: Some enter marriage believing, "I can change them over time." They spend their days trying to mold their spouse into someone else. However, real change in a mature adult happens gradually, in specific areas, and requires patience and often the help of a professional.
All-or-Nothing Thinkers: These individuals have unrealistic expectations, believing their spouse must become a perfect ideal. They overlook their own weaknesses while constantly focusing on their partner's flaws.
Insecure Partners: Lacking self-confidence, these individuals seek external approval and pressure their spouse to change in ways that align with societal or family expectations.
It’s a mistake to believe you can completely change your spouse after marriage—or anyone, for that matter. The only thing you might influence is behavioral expressions, and even that requires careful consideration and delicate effort.
Below are the most common mistakes couples make when trying to change each other:
Sometimes, we push for change using force and power plays. It starts with a stern look, grows into arguments, and may even lead to physical violence or threats of separation.
However, any change achieved through force is often:
Superficial and fear-driven.
Short-lived, lasting only while you maintain control.
Lasting change cannot be imposed through fear or intimidation.
When trying to change our spouse, we often fall into the trap of constant repetition—endlessly pointing out the same flaws and repeatedly demanding change.
This approach usually backfires:
Your spouse may pretend to change just to stop the nagging.
They might rebel and make you miss their previous behavior.
Nagging creates resentment and rarely inspires genuine change.
Using sarcasm, ridicule, or belittling remarks is another common tactic.
These approaches only:
Hurt your spouse emotionally.
Reduce their motivation to improve.
Cool their affection toward you.
A person who feels humiliated is unlikely to feel inspired to grow or change.
We sometimes believe that comparing our spouse to others will motivate them to change.
However, comparisons usually:
Trigger resentment and jealousy.
Create emotional distance.
Instead of encouraging change, this approach often leaves your spouse feeling unappreciated and undervalued.
Some people adopt the role of a teacher, believing they are flawless and must "correct" their spouse.
But:
Your spouse is not your student.
They are not a child to be disciplined or lectured.
This approach can make your spouse feel patronized and resentful, pushing them further away rather than bringing them closer to change.
They say "fighting is the spice of marriage." But in reality, constant fights rarely resolve anything.
During arguments:
No one listens to the other.
Both sides focus on winning rather than understanding.
A shouting match doesn’t lead to meaningful change; it only deepens division.
This tactic involves using emotional manipulation with phrases like:
"If you really love me, you’ll change."
While it might produce temporary results, it creates long-term issues:
If the unwanted behavior happens again, does it mean your spouse doesn’t love you?
Does your spouse change willingly, or do they feel pressured and resentful?
Tying love to conditions erodes trust and intimacy.
Some partners resort to emotional ultimatums, withholding affection, attention, or intimacy unless their spouse changes.
This approach:
Damages trust and intimacy.
Creates emotional distance between partners.
Healthy relationships are built on unconditional love, not on coercive strategies.
Before attempting to change your spouse’s behavior, ask yourself:
Is changing this behavior truly necessary?
Can I manage or accept it instead?
Does our love and connection outweigh this issue?
Remember: Lasting change comes from within, not from external pressure.
If your actions trigger negative emotions in your spouse, they will be less likely to improve or change.
Instead, focus on creating an environment filled with positive emotions and mutual support. Inspire your spouse to grow—not out of fear or pressure, but out of love, respect, and shared happiness.
