A Serious Warning To Parents: You May Not Know It, But With Just This One Mistake, You Could Ruin Your Child's Entire Life.

The Trap of Fear

A constant worry, indulgence, compromising, giving up on standing for truth and justice, withdrawing from desires and likes—all of these stem from fear and anxiety! Kiani says: "People who cannot say no have very broad boundaries, and they allow others to take advantage of them, using their time or energy without any opposition. This behavioral pattern resembles the 'sacrifice' schema, but the internal source of the two is different. In sacrifice, guilt and the desire to help others are the main factors, while obedience stems from fear; fear of abandonment, rejection, or disappointing others. For example, a person is afraid to say no when two people are arguing. They fear getting into a confrontation, so they avoid arguing—even if they are right—and as a result, they constantly quiet them or just say "yes".

An Obedience Model That Doesn't Last

This schema sometimes becomes limited to specific relationships. For example, a person may only exhibit this behavior toward their parents, spouse, or higher-ups at work. This pattern doesn’t last forever and sometimes erupts with rebellion and sudden outbursts. The individual, who was always calm and obedient, suddenly breaks down. In such cases, those around them usually don't notice the behavior pattern until this submission turns into hidden anger, revealing itself in rebellious or explosive actions. This anger results from the psychological pressure that has built up over the years due to the denial of personal needs. This psychologist and psychotherapist gives an example: "We see couples where one person is the source of power, and the other is very obedient, constantly saying 'yes.' After some time, the obedient person feels frustrated and experiences discomfort, and the question arises for the spouse: 'Why? They were always agreeable and content! What’s behind this behavior?'” Kiani answers these questions by saying: "Because that compliance and obedience wasn’t internal; it was based on fear. When repeated over time, it builds up a lot of hidden anger. If you look at the relationship, you'll see one person always giving orders, and the other obeying and saying 'yes.' Now the obedient spouse is unwilling to continue in such a situation, and as a result, conflicts arise and gradually intensify."

Families Where This Schema Develops

Perhaps this model is something we’ve often experienced in the traditional style and relationships between our parents. In families where parents have a very strong power over their children, such patterns are more common. For example, some parents would always accept their spouse’s or children’s requests without question, only to experience a nervous breakdown or serious distress at some point in their lives. This reaction can also be a manifestation of suppressed anger resulting from years of obedience.

An Opportunity to Vent Weaknesses

Interestingly, in some cases, individuals who exhibit very submissive behavior may become controlling or aggressive with those they perceive as weaker than themselves. This role reversal acts as a safety valve to reduce the pressure caused by submission in their other relationships.

What Do Parents Do That Traps Children in the Obedience Schema?

Kiani says: "Sometimes in life, we encounter patterns and behaviors that have been ingrained in us since childhood. For example, when we are excessively exposed to strict parental methods or a heavy sense of responsibility towards others, our personality development may go in a direction where we constantly feel obliged to gain others' approval. For instance, when parents transfer their conflicts to their children or involve them in their worries and problems, children may become the third side of the triangle. For example, when parents have a disagreement, their child becomes the sounding board for one side, and that parent shares all their grievances with the child. The child wants to do something for their parents or becomes the mediator between them. A sense of guilt arises, and the child tries to resolve the conflict but doesn't have the capacity or understanding to do so. They keep trying to please both parties by saying 'yes.' In such situations, the child constantly says 'yes' and 'okay' to calm the family environment, even if they disagree internally. Over time, this leads to the formation of an unquestioning obedience pattern that sometimes continues into adulthood."

What Do People Say? Choosing Based on Others' Opinions—Seeking General Approval

The psychologist and psychotherapist believe that this issue deepens when a person continues this behavior in society, going beyond mere words. For instance, they might choose a particular style of clothing or accept a job they have no interest in, simply to avoid conflict with others, which results in non-verbal obedience. This occurs while a lack of assertiveness and the inability to say "no" to others stems from the early years of the person’s life.

What Do Authoritarian Parents Do to Their Children?

There is a parenting style called the "authoritarian" style, in which parents are not accountable to their children, and they expect their children to simply comply with everything they say: "What I say goes, and my child must always say yes!" In fact, they guide their children in such a way that this attitude manifests in adulthood as "other-directedness."

The Impact of Sacrificial Parents on Their Children’s Obedience

Another influential factor is the type of relationships the individual experiences within their family. For example, parents who are excessively sacrificial or overly concerned with others, naturally lead their children to the same direction, compelling them to serve others.

Is Obedience Always a Sign of Weakness?

The psychotherapist emphasizes: "On the other hand, it is possible for someone who does not generally have this schema to display behaviors resembling obedience in certain situations, such as when interacting with a boss or someone with higher expertise and status. However, this behavior arises from situational flexibility and respect for hierarchy, not necessarily from the schema. Such an individual can usually differentiate between mutual respect and constant submission."

The Final Word

Understanding and correcting this pattern requires self-awareness and effort to create healthier boundaries in personal relationships so that individuals can balance respect for others with valuing their own needs.