How to Handle an Aggressive Child: Understanding and Managing Children's Aggression

Why Do Children Become Aggressive?

It might surprise you, but aggression and aggressive behavior are a natural part of a child's developmental process. Many children occasionally grab toys from classmates, hit or kick, or scream until they're hoarse. A young child is still learning various new skills, from using scissors to speaking in complex sentences. They can easily become frustrated when things don't go their way, leading them to lash out at a playmate.

If your child is attending kindergarten or preschool for the first time, they are also adjusting to being away from home. If they feel neglected or angry, they might take it out on a nearby child who annoys them. Sometimes, your child may simply be tired and hungry, and not know how to cope, responding with biting, hitting, or throwing a tantrum.

Even older elementary school children might struggle with controlling their temper. Learning difficulties can make listening, focusing, or reading challenging, affecting their school performance and leading to severe frustration. Additionally, traumatic events like parental divorce or a family illness can trigger anger that is beyond their capacity to handle.

What to Do About Your Child’s Aggression

Tantrums and outbursts are normal, even if infrequent, as your child grows. Here are some strategies for dealing with these behaviors:

1. Be a Good Role Model: No matter how angry you get, avoid yelling, hitting your child, or calling them bad. Instead, control your anger and, if necessary, prevent their actions, setting a good example for them to follow.

2. Respond Quickly: React immediately when you see your child on the verge of aggression. Don’t wait until the third strike to say “enough,” especially if you’ve already reprimanded them for numerous other misdeeds in the past hour. It's better to make them understand right away that they have done something wrong.

3. Remove Them from the Situation: Take them out of the situation for a brief timeout. For preschoolers, a three or four-minute break is enough. For older children, consider taking away a privilege like TV time or pocket money. The goal is to make them connect their behavior with consequences, understanding that hitting or screaming leads to losing something they enjoy, but not your love.

4. Be Consistent in Your Response: Try to respond to every aggressive behavior in the same way each time. Predictable reactions help establish a pattern your child will eventually recognize and expect, which is a step towards self-regulation.

5. Talk to Your Child: Let your child calm down, then discuss what happened calmly. Ideally, do this 30 minutes to an hour after the incident, asking if they can explain what triggered their anger.

6. Suggest Appropriate Ways to Manage Anger: Explain that it's normal to feel angry but pushing, hitting, kicking, or biting is not acceptable. Suggest better ways to express their anger, such as kicking a ball, punching a pillow, finding an adult mediator, or simply telling a friend they're upset.

7. Consider Positive Timeout: Instead of traditional timeouts, try positive timeouts (time-in), where you stop what you're doing and ask your child to sit quietly with you for a moment. If they allow, put your arm around them or hold their hand. After a few minutes, discuss what happened and how they could have expressed their anger differently. This helps them recognize and understand their feelings while considering other ways to express them.

8. Praise Good Behavior: Pay attention to good behavior as much as bad. Acknowledge when they wait their turn for a game or share a swing. Praise such actions moderately to reinforce positive behavior.

9. Teach Accountability: If their aggression causes damage or disorder, involve them in making amends. Show that this is a natural consequence, not a punishment. For example, they can repair a broken toy or clean up after throwing cookies in anger.

10. Teach Apology: Ensure they know to say “sorry” when they overstep, even if you need to guide them gently. Their apologies may seem insincere at first, but the lesson will eventually stick. Be a good role model yourself.

11. Monitor Screen Time Wisely: Cartoons and other media for kids often contain shouting, threats, and even physical aggression. Join your child during screen time, and discuss what they see. Choose high-quality, age-appropriate programs and limit screen time to one hour a day.

12. Seek Help if Needed: Some children struggle more with aggression. If your child’s behavior is frequent and severe, disrupts school or organized activities, and leads to physical attacks on others, consult a knowledgeable doctor. Working together, you can identify the root of the problem and decide if they need a psychologist or psychiatrist. Sometimes undiagnosed learning or behavioral disorders or family issues are to blame. Regardless, a counselor can help them manage the emotions that typically lead to aggression.